That’s genuinely how I feel at the moment. Any day this week I could get a phone call saying that I have cancer or I need to have a cone biopsy (which I’m terrified of as it will take away most of my cervix and I’d have to stay over night).
It’s absolutely ridiculous how tired and emotional I’ve been, to the point where my memory is absolutely fucked. Most days I don’t even remember much about the evening before I’m so tired.
I want to go out and see all the people who’ve been nice and sent me flowers but I just don’t have the energy. I still get stomach cramps, I’ve been bleeding/having odd discharge for about two weeks now, and I’m just exhausted.
I’m fed up of being poked, prodded, photographed, punctured…sometimes I just think of the absolute indignity of it all and I wonder how I will ever feel normal letting Oliver touch me down there again.
And I’ve been kicking myself, because there’s so much research that CGIN is linked with smoking and I think “Did I bring it on myself? Did I do this to me?” But my friend said last night that maybe this happened to me because I’m stronger than other women and I will use the experience to help others? Maybe.
In my head, I know I’ll be alright, and at worst it’ll be a cone but my emotional response is that “I bet they call and it’s cancer…I bet.”
So on Wednesday the report from histology should be received by my GP so I will give them/my clinic a call on Thursday/Friday to find out what’s happening. I hope it’s ok, I’m so fed up of waiting.