Hello there, I’ve had a particularly shit day after discovering I’ve been ‘bleeding between periods’. Now this is one of those things that is meant to set off alarm bells so I ended up panicking and ringing NHS Direct. God bless them. They told me to calm the fuck down and see my clinician if it gets worse. To be honest, after five biopsies and two smears in a few months, I’d be surprised if my vagina wasn’t bleeding all the time.
Anyway, here are my top tips for visiting the colposcopy clinic. These tips also work for attending a smear test, which is like a less fun version of a colposcopy (as you cannot watch it on the TV next to your bed).
- DO NOT cycle to your appointment: you may be thinking, yes clinic is only down the road, quicker to cycle, excellent. But I assure you, you will be pushing that bike back. Ouch.
- DO bring your own sanitary towels. NHS sanitary towels lean more towards the Pampers end of the scale. I forgot my own pads on one visit (I’ll be honest, after two colposcopys and two smears I thought the last thing they’d need to do was go up there again) and I was forced to wear one of these beasts. Under my leggings. Then cycle home. Not good.
- DO NOT Google after your visit. You will, inevitably, have to wait for the outcome of your biopsy/treatment and the last thing you need is to Google all your symptoms and the long words the clinician said. This will inevitably lead you to a horrific question posted on Yahoo! Answers with the title “Is it normal for my vagina to smell like fish after a colposcopy?”. And don’t Google image search. That’s even worse.
- DO take advantage of your situation to make your male boss feel incredibly awkward. Some times you just really need to make the most out of a shit situation. And one of the few joys I’ve had over the past few months is saying the word ‘cervix’ over and over again to my boss.
- DO NOT under ANY condition watch what is going on on the monitor. I made this mistake during my first colposcopy and the only thing I could think of was a certain famous speech by Enoch Powell. It REALLY does look like a river of blood.
Happy colposcopys! x
Let's get cervical 